12 Dating Behaviors I’m Done With
1. Pretending like that fart wasn’t me. Yes, I did it, and I meant it. Did you think that Chipotle burrito was going to digest itself? Besides, if you can’t deal with my farts, growing old together is pretty much out of the question. Did you see Amour? You might have to smother me with a pillow someday and keep pigeons from pooping on my decaying body. My stinky butt is so the least of your problems.
2. Being SOO “jealous” when you check someone out. Look, you’re human and have eyes. I know you want me to “perform” jealousy and be all “cute jealous,” but I really don’t care. This isn’t Othello. Also, I just checked someone out like three seconds ago. Next time, let’s just check out the hot guys together. This, my friend, is what true love is: the glory of shared objectification.
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