Chaotic mess

by withlovecarlacompleto

This early morning my dad and I went to Barotac Viejo to get my driver’s license for the Philippines.  Although I don’t see the reason why I need one since I don’t plan to ever drive here, ever since that traumatic experience where I first learned how to drive a stick shift. Never ever will I try again. Scared the bejesus out of me.  He keeps  “suggesting” me that I shouldn’t go home to California this March that I should just stay here and finish my studies.  Okay, let me back this up…You want me to stay here for all four years without seeing my family and friends? Do you want me to go crazy? I never really felt “homesick” until now. I don’t get why I have to stay here. I don’t want a car! I am perfectly fine riding a jeep. I am no princess.  If I have a car that’s another problem. My mom’s going to set up regulations.  Sometimes I don’t understand my dad and mom.  Sometimes it seems like they’re writing my life story. First they tell me I should marry a “white man with blue eyes” so that their grandchildren will have blue eyes. Then they say that I shouldn’t date a black man. Then they tell me not to have a boy friend because I’m too young. I am 21 for crying out loud. Is that too young? Next thing you know by the time I reach my 40s they’ll say don’t get married you’re too old! I don’t know which way to go. If I go this way I’m wrong, if I go the other way it’s wrong. I’m really proud of myself that I overcame this obstacle that God has set for me to handle my mother and father. Some children who would have the opportunity to have my mom and dad as parents, I guarantee you 100% will not survive, probably majority of them would have rebelled.  I know for a fact that whenever I’m right by the two of them I can never be myself. Majority of the time I just put an act so that they can appreciate me, because if they know what I truly like and what I’m passionate about, I don’t think they’ll ever support me. Sometimes it saddens me that I find myself crying at night thinking what the hell is wrong with this world. But at times I’m so thankful that I have great, wonderful and loving friends because they are the ones who keeps me sane & most of all to my understanding sister Bambi. She’s the person I’d run to if ever I have any problems. Boy problems, school problems, parents problems, friends, you name it, I’ll go to her. People don’t know that I have a very complicated life. It’s just the fact that I am really good at hiding it. I don’t talk about it. I just keep it to myself and I write it out because it helps me get through it. Here’s the real thing, my parents never knew that I’ve already been in a relationship. They think that I have never had a boyfriend in my life. Geez, am I that ugly, that you guys would truly think I can’t find a guy. But yes I have been in a relationship. One “seeing” each other and the other one the “longest” relationship.  They also think that I’ve never kissed a guy. What am I lesbian? But yes I’ve kissed a guy. Honestly, they drive me INSANE to the max! Do they ever wonder that whatever they do to me affects me? I don’t think they do because I never have the guts to tell them. You know thinking as parents they know their daughter but I guarantee you they know nothing, maybe they know some stuff about me like what I tell them. But if you opened my heart and brain they’ll find that it’s a mess inside. I’ve kept too many things inside. It’s just a matter of fact on how long I can go. Who knows maybe I’ll survive or maybe I’m going to finally break into something that I’ve wanted to do but never had the courage to do. Oh the things that is around my head could burst if I didn’t know how to control it.

Toodles xoxo

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